again

sometimes i just wanna find this place in my

heart and mind,

a place of peace and calmness. 

where there's nobody but just me.

not many people know that at times

my family's financial status is that good.

although my dad hold two jobs.

if he didnt have that habit,

it would be more than enough for all of us.

seriously hope that singapore government would ban it.

and i dont have to suffer the feeling of not getting what i want/need.

i envy people who have things they can have.

i know i have to save for a long time to get them.

and so, i didnt ask for more.

i was satisfied with normal clothes brand,

normal shoes,

normal everything.

i tried not to spend.

sometimes i ask myself,

''why cant i go shopping with my family?''

but i know,

i just couldnt afford to spend that much.

thats why i never go to places like topshop, 

vans etc to shop.

i never asked for that.

now that i needed a new laptop because

i couldnt put the disc into the old one for microsoft office,

my mum told me something that i felt drastically disappointed.

i knew i couldnt say much more,

my mum asked me, how?

i shruged my shoulders and said i dont know.

i hid my disappointment from her.

i had to make do with whatever i have.

i didnt blame anyone for being born into this family.

i tried to be contented with whatever i have.

my mum worked hard.

and i tried to spend less.

and hearing the news of big bang coming here for concert,

i couldnt hold back my excitement.

i wanted to go, i made up my mind the second i heard the news.

but now, i'm having second thoughts.

it was something i always hoped for.

there's a lot of things i couldnt do because of my

family's financial status,

i cant go shopping every weekend,

i couldnt bear to ask for  proper track shoes because its costly.

i couldnt ask for overseas trips etc

thats why i always thought people should be contented with what they have.

i told myself,

''there are people less fortunate than you,

be glad you have family and live in this society,

without having to worry about shelter or food''

so i wouldnt regard myself as unfortunate.

i have a family,

i have normal body,

i speak, i see, i hear, i smell.

i have food everyday.

i couldnt be thankful enough.

i just hope my dad can get rid of that bad habit.

i dont know how many times have i fretted over this.

i just wished that he can stop that and one day the whole family

can just go on a vacation together.

i dont know how long can i last,

sometimes, i just need someone to lean on.