how i spent my christmas

spent christmas eve at udders with four peoples :)

christmas was pretty much a boring day. I slept half my day away.

Then huishan asked me out, so i met up with her and Eldric.

Was a good catch up though. Had some wine.... Didn't really like it.

Eldric's friend came over so we talked for a little while. 

Was quite a boring day but nevertheless, spent it in town, with some nice people :)

well, was quite cranky when I woke up. Plus, I had some impression issues.

Maybe its because of my temper, or I'm petty, or I'm cranky?

Kinda pissed off at somebody. Maybe that person sounds sarcastic? I don't really know.

Maybe my temper got worse? Maybe getting pissed over such small stuff is being petty?

Yes. Sorry I'm being unreasonable. I can't help it.

Sigh.... 

Hoping that person doesn't see this because I don't know how things will turn out.

Its just how I feel about this particular person, and no, its not love.

For some reason, I feel that this person is drifting away from us.

Out of all the times we meet up, that person would only be there once or twice.

Somehow I find all your excuses.... I don't know what's the word... Invalid?

You say you're busy but you end up spending time with your classmates/schoolmates.

So sometimes I wonder, is it that you've gotten tired of us? Or you're closer to 

them than us that you rather spend more time with them?

To me, you guys have always been first, erm, same as the other group.

So if something crops up, I will still choose to meet you guys up.

谁知我心? sigh...

Whenever you said ''busy'' or ''tired'', I could understand, school's been tough.

But whenever I see pictures of you and your classmates having dinner, 

I thought to myself, ''Why is it that you don't have time for us but you have for others?''

Another thing is, why does someone else who's busy and tired can make the

effort and time to meet up with his/her friends but not you?

Maybe I shouldn't compare you to the other person.... but it seems like the same.

We try to fix the time and date to your convenient but it never turns out right.

At times I already told myself not to care, but my heart softens everytime

you do something nice.

Honestly, I don't see our friendship anywhere in the future.

I do hope it still exists, in 10 years time.

And, really, I feel like giving up on this right now.

I don't know what to do, what to say.

I don't know if I have the rights to say I'm disappointed in you because I do not

know whether I'm being unreasonable or not being able to understand your situation,

or if I'm being a good friend.

And I don't know if its me.... I don't see you being there for anyone of us now.

I do see the effort for trying to make us happy, I appreciate.

But, sometimes I feel that you're not appreciating what we're doing.

Trying hard to be able to understand but its too much for now... I guess?

But I'm certainly glad I'm getting on better relations with some others, because

I can feel that they appreciate and they trust me. And I feel thankful being able

to earn that trust. 

heal please :( losing confidence. because people in this world are so judgmental.